…I didn’t sound like a lunatic! No, really.
(Those of you who have known me since before kids: STOP LAUGHING!)
Anyone who is a parent knows the job comes with some surprises. Once you’re a parent, you WILL find yourself saying things that no normal person ever expects to utter. Let’s begin with the sane, but annoying. I’ve cringed to hear things cross my lips that set my teeth on edge as a child.
- My mother’s voice intoning “Be aware of your surroundings” echoes irritatingly through my childhood memories. Yet, I can’t count the times I’ve said the same words to my kids. I always wonder if I sound as smugly annoying as I thought my mom did. Yet, when a kid steps in a hole, on a dog, or not-quite-around a piece of furniture, it just pops out. I wonder where the phrase came from. Did some ancestor of mine torture their teenage child with that phrase a few hundred years ago? I think that might make me feel better. After all, I’m all about carrying on family traditions!
- My father was a little short on the compassion side of parenting. I don’t mean he was cruel or neglectful, he simply believed that injuries falling short of decapitation should be ignored. His favorite quip was, “I’ve had worse cuts on my lip and never quit whistling.” I’m very compassionate if one of my kids is hurt, but I have a low threshold for whining. I’ve heard myself mimic my father when one of the kids was seeking sympathy for a splinter or stubbed toe.
- There’s one phrase I’ve considered but never voiced. My reluctance to invoke this ancient line is mostly due to self-preservation. I’ve asked my husband to lock me up or put me down if I ever utter the words, “Who do you think you are?” That question seemed to beg for smart-mouthed answers when I was a teenager. I had the sense not to offer those answers (mostly), but I would hate to put my kids to the same test!
Hereditary parent-isms aside, being a parent means saying things that seriously call the critical thinking skills of your offspring into question. In my twenty-four years as a mother, I’ve become a founding member of the ‘did I really just say that out loud’ club. Random things I’ve actually uttered aloud:
- Don’t drink potty water.
- Don’t eat the dog’s food.
- Don’t take your pants off in public.
- Don’t sit on the dog. Don’t stand on the dog either!
- Don’t lick the buggy handle! (grocery cart, ’nuff said)
- Yes, salt poisoning is a thing. Put the shaker down…NOW.
- Yes, your brother is annoying. No, you still can’t hit him. Don’t kick him either.
- You don’t throw spaghetti sauce on the wall to see if it’s done.
- Clothes for church should be clean…no, I mean clean…NO, not the ones you slept in!
- Don’t forget deodorant. Did you put on deodorant? Bring the deodorant just in case you forgot. Where is the deodorant? For goodness sake, go wash up and put on deodorant.
- Do you need a spanking?
- Do you want to sit on your bum or do you want me to spank it? (grocery cart, ’nuff said again)
- Did you brush your teeth WITH TOOTHPASTE? Let me smell your breath.
- Get back in the tub and actually use soap! No, you didn’t. The water is still clear.
- Wetting hair isn’t the same as washing it!
- Washing your hair automatically includes washing your scalp. Fine, wash your hair AND scalp, please. NOW!
- Stand a little closer to the razor next time.
- You can clean it or I will. If I clean it, it’ll be with trash bags!
- I don’t care if you’re not cold! Put on a jacket! It’s freezing, and I don’t want people to think I’m a bad mom!
- Stop being annoying on purpose! There is enough accidental annoying around here.
I came to terms with the fact that crazy comments go with being a mom, years ago. What I hadn’t realized was that being a farm-mom ratchets the deal up to a whole new level of nuts! In the last two years, I’ve actually uttered the following:
- Who dripped blood in the entryway?
- What part of “chicken poop covered boots stay outside” is complicated?
- If you decapitate one more stupid chicken in the coop door, I will take it out of your pocket money!
- Is that lung or liver on my leg?
- Do NOT angle the arterial spray at your sister.
- Rake the chicken feathers out of the yard; company is coming.
- Do NOT tell my friends’ kids that rabbits are ‘food not friends’.
- No, pelts go in the outside freezer.
- If you tell your grandmother about the zombie duck, I will kill you.
- Do you want to pause and wash off the blood splatter or are you good?
- No, rabbit poop goes in that pile. Sheep and horse go in the other.
- Finn, don’t bite the dog’s bum! (This, thankfully, was the horse.)
- Well, silly, why do you keep getting close to him? Do you want him to bite your bum?!? (This was the dog.)
- Is that your blood or something else’s?
- Do NOT stand on the top rung of a 6-foot ladder balanced on a trash pile! (That was actually Liam.)
- Don’t pour sheep water over the electric fence. That is a bad plan. It might end in free cardiac defibrillation!
- It’s my day off. I have no intention of doing CPR, so stop doing stupid stuff.
- You have to be smarter than the bale of hay!
- If we shoot the snake, we might hit the chickens. Someone get me the loppers!
- One hole-boy. Two holes-girl. It’s not complicated! I mean, it’s not like sexing rabbits! (This was overheard by the lady at the insurance company, with whom I was on hold. She came back on the line at exactly the wrong time. You should have heard me trying to explain that we were sexing sheep. That explanation didn’t really help and required a longer more fulsome account. In the end, I think she figured out that I’m not a pervert. I’m just a weirdo.)
Please, tell me I’m not the only one! I vote moms everywhere band together. We in the ‘did I really just say that out loud’ club can offer support, commiseration, and never-ending laughter if we stand united! Leave a comment below and share your own crazy funny quote! Hello, my name is Anne, and I am a snark-a-holic…